My name is...and I am addicted to...

Do we really know who we are? Everyone is searching for something these days. Either were emulating what society wants us to be, or we dare to search for ourselves. As a culture addicted to prescription drugs, TV, fatty foods, plastic surgery, electronics, or anything else heavily advertised the one thing we really don't give any time to is ourselves. Tonight I started this blog because I am ashamed of myself. I have "claimed" to be searching for myself, and constantly give myself excuses that I'm on the right tract. But the truth is, I'm more addicted and in denial to my flaws then ever before. My name is "Marika" Shoshana Adrienne Feuerstein and I am addicted to food. I struggle with organizational, discipline, and structural issues. Food is the door way that leads to all my flaws. For the past 5 hours my hand has been aching. I can't describe the weird pain I feel but its as if every 20 minutes there is a soreness in my right hand that just feels as if a part of my hand is crying out for help. It started after i binged and scarfed down a cupcake, Buggles, Twinkies and a Caramel latte - the sad and pathetic part is, its not my fault. I was brought up in a family, religion and culture where food is the ultimate pleasure. Yea sex is apparently the most pleasurable experience but as a kid no parent is going to reward you with good sex. Instead i was stuffed with all the wrong foods. You know we stuff turkeys before we kill them, i guess on some weird level we are doing the same things to our kids. I was taught to eat when celebrating birthdays, Jewish holidays, major accomplishments, but sad events as well. when my parents would fight my mother would shut us up by ordering pizza, and putting on our favorite movies. When my dad was fighting for custody over us, I remember him buying tons of ice cream and snacks - using all measures to win our affection. I was trained to use food for good or bad, it literally became my apple from the tree of good and evil. But now as an adult desperately trying to find some meaning and structure on this earth, I cant fight any battles until I Put an end to my war with food. Its sad because on the one hand I need to be the adult figure and scold myself for having these horrible habits. but on the flip side I need to also be the nurturing parent that is caring for this helpless child, who is not to blame for her troubling upbringing and should actually be praised for her battles. Its so easy to give up and live in denial, but everything around ME just seems so wrong. But what I've come to realize is I'm so afraid to admit my fears, that hiding my issues is actually fulling their control. I am not afraid to say that the world is fucked up, that everything I have ever been taught is not true. Were in Iraq and Afghanistan fighting terrorists, when the real threats are in our home and secretly within us. The divorce rate is over 50%, what does that show about us and our relationships. I have such a hard time judging people because even the adults in my life who are horrible are just children who were neglected, and abused - who can blame them. The people I despise the most our the ones just like me, especially the weak ones, because secretly a part of me hates myself. I hate the part of me that is weak, that gives in and doesn't fight. I hate "Marika" But the side of me that I love and yearn for is the "Shoshana", the rose inside of me that is pushing to come out. that is blossoming despite all odds. I hates when therapists say that some people have low self esteem - the truth is everyone has low self esteem and everyone has excessive pride. The world exists in polar opposites so why should we be any different? If when we were born we were told there is a good and bad inside of everyone and our job is to fix ourselves I think people would be more balanced. We would view depression as a strength rather than weakness. Depression is the discovery of something within ourselves. Who cares that its bad, at least we know its there. How can you fix something if there is nothing that proves its existence? As girls we have a deeper intuition. For instance, before my period I always cry, and get depressed. I can't hide my anger, or fears they literally come shooting out of me. I used loathe my time of the month, but now I just know that those our my real feelings. It reveals the most honest part of my soul. Its unwilling to give into certain negative aspects of my life. Woman were given a gift of understanding because ultimately we give birth to the future genrations. The future scientists, dictators, wars, victories and life. If we cannot find it within ourselves to change there is no hope for the future generations. Unlike the animal world we are not just given a command to eat, reproduce and die. Those seemingly easy tasks are full of options and questions. We all have differnt ways up bringing about the same answers, so as a race it is our job to make sure we make the right choices. deep down we all know who we are, we all know the right choices we need to make. There is a slight moment everyone feels at one point or another where they know their path. We might pretend that we don't, but its just because were afraid to go there, Everything around us tells us the opposite of what were supposed to do.. If we start listening to the real voice within ourselves every single one of us would succeed. I want to succeed, and I need to. I was given such a hard hand of cards and there is no doubt in my mind it was for a reason. but if I continue to doubt myself, and my struggles, and hide behind my issues, I will never make it. I will never grow into the person I was suppsoed to be. The Gematriya of my Hebrew name Shoshana is 661 has the same numerical value as Esther, queen of the jewish people. Ester stayed passive and followed orders until she sought out the King. She did everything the Torah would look frowning upon, she joined a Harem. slept with a non Jewish King, threw Drunken parties, and yet she saved the Jewish people. Esther went from hiding behind her flaws, to utilizing her "bad environment" into doing good. Everything bad in out life can be used for good, and therefore every miracle begins with a problem I might have a food problem, and other issues for that matter, but I have them for a reason, and one day I will realize that if I can control them they will be my greatest weapon of all, and will pave the way for all the good and beauty within me.